Est. somewhere between a filing cabinet and the beyond
Welcome to Tarot Headquarters
Every tarot card here is a person. They have jobs, opinions, and a break room. The Major Arcana runs the place, the Minor Arcana keeps it running, and somewhere near the back, Gary is making beignets.
Chapter One
It Started With Gary
Tarot Headquarters began, as many important institutions do, with a voice text gone horribly wrong.
I was doing a tarot reading and talking into my phone when I said Ten of Swords. My phone, apparently having its own ideas about the archetypal structure of the universe, decided I had said Gary.
And somehow, in that moment, Gary was born.
Gary — Ten of Swords
Department of Endings, Collapse, Exhaustion, Betrayal, Rock Bottom & Emotional Disaster Response
Protector of the Beignets
Gary handles the days when everything has officially gone to shit.
Endings. Betrayals. Burnout. Emotional collapse. The moment you realize something cannot continue the way it has been—and, perhaps most importantly, the moment after that realization when you discover you’re somehow still standing.
Gary is the Ten of Swords, but he isn’t particularly dramatic about it. He has seen too much for that.
Somehow, Gary ended up working in the Tarot Headquarters kitchen. Nobody knows why. Gary doesn’t know why. At this point, asking would only create unnecessary paperwork.
He makes coffee.
He makes beignets.
He makes beignets. He protects the fucking beignets.
And once Gary existed, the rest of them showed up. Because if the Ten of Swords is a line cook with boundaries, then everyone else has a story too.
Chapter Two
The Cards Became People
Carl Jung thought tarot was a mirror of the archetypes living inside all of us. We agree. We just gave the archetypes desks, personalities, and someone to argue with in the elevator. Here’s who you’ll run into at Headquarters.
Gay Perry
Seven of Wands. Department of Defensiveness, Advocacy & Unnecessary Escalation. Perry handles boundaries, standing your ground, defending what matters, protecting people who need an advocate, and occasionally turning a minor disagreement into a full-scale tribunal because someone used the wrong tone.
Rocco
Rocco — Knight of Wands
Department of Impulse, Adventure, Risk, Passion, Recklessness & Turning Situations Requiring Patience Into Situations Requiring Insurance.
Rocco handles momentum, bold action, spontaneous decisions, creative fire, adventure, and anything requiring someone to yell “LET’S GO” before anyone has adequately considered the consequences.
Donna
Donna — Ten of Wands
Department of Burden, Responsibility, Overwork, Caring Too Much & Saying “It’s Fine” When It Was Clearly Not Fine.
She is dependable, compassionate, capable, and completely fucking exhausted.
Milo
Milo — Eight of Wands
Department of Communications
Director of Shit That Apparently Cannot Wait Until Morning
Milo is Tarot Headquarters’ human notification system. If something happens, Milo knows about it. If something might happen, Milo has probably already sent an email, three texts, a group message, and a voice memo marked URGENT
Mr. Charles Bentley
Mr. Charles Bentley — King of Swords
Department of Truth, Clarity, Communication, Boundaries, Perspective, Justice & Decisions
Director of Analysis & Order
Charles does not dislike emotions.
He simply does not believe they are admissible as evidence.
Chapter Three
Why It Works
Instead of memorizing seventy-eight cards and their upright, reversed, and situational meanings, you just get to know the people who work here. You already remember your coworkers. Now the cards work the same way.
The Old Way
The Knight of Wands represents action, momentum, passion, adventure, confidence, impulsiveness, enthusiasm, risk-taking, and charging toward something before necessarily thinking through what happens when you get there.
The Headquarters Way
“Oh, that’s Rocco. Nice guy, terrible timing. Here he comes.”
And so
The lights stay on at Headquarters.
The Major Arcana argues in the boardroom. The Minor Arcana keeps the whole operation upright. And somewhere near the back, Gary is still in the kitchen, protecting the beignets.